I Don't Always Watch TV, But When I Do, It's Awesome.

I decided to take a break from video game blogs (since I do them so often...) and focus on one of my other major hobbies:watching TV. For this blog, call me Evel Knievl for I am going to attempt the impossible: to rank the greatest show of the last decade. Some you will agree with, some you will not. Some are in this decade, some are not (well, at least not entirely). Here they are!

10.Futurama. A show about a pizza delivery boy frozen in time and thawed in the future only to have to deliver shit with a bunch of misfits? Crazy! So crazy it just might work...Awesome voice cast, with stellar characters and hilarious writing revived this show from an all-too-soon cancellation. New episodes are now on Comedy Central, check your local listings for times.

9.Curb your Enthusiasm. Have you ever been around a guy who has no filter and is a social assassin? No? Then meet Larry David. This is the only show on television that can actually make one cringe from the ridiculous situations Larry gets himself into. When you add J.B. Smoove into the equation, egging Larry on, and shit gets real uncomfortable, real quick.

8.Flight of the Conchords. Two dudes playing hilarious music about hilarious topics in a hilarious setting. Added bonus: Kristen Schaal making uncomfortable situations even more awkward.

7.Friday Night Lights. Admit it: you don't really like football. You watch it because you're socially obligated if you're a male, or because you're trying to impress a male if you're a female. Well, this show will make you love football. More importantly, you fall in love with the amazing cast. Kyle Chandler, Connie Brittion, Adrienne Palacki, Minka Kelly, Gauis Charles, and TIM MUTHERFUCKING RIGGINS (aka Taylor Kitsche). Watch the first season with your girlfriend, and yall wont leave the house for about 24 hours.

6. Chappelle Show. The man was worth $50 million dollars to Comedy Central, which is kinda a big deal. He revolutionized sketch comedy. I actually went as Clayton Bigsby for halloween, and it was the best costume I ever had. Except maybe the time I went as Mr. T.

5. Arrested Development. The best sitcom ever to be on the air (Married with Children is a close second), this show also suffered from stupid people syndrome (SAVE COMMUNITY!). If the writing is smart, you can expect a show to be cancelled quickly, and unfortunately, Arrested Development was no different (SAVE COMMUNITY!). The original six seasons and a movie cry(SAVE COMMUNITY!) Pardon my plug, but both shows are similar to me.

4.Southland. This show might be one of the most intense shows on TV. NBC made a terrible decision to cancel this show (stupid people strike again), but luckily TNT picked it up. I consistently watch this show this my butthole puckered, because it is so intense.

3.The West Wing. I'm no politician. Hell, I can't stand politicians. I hate watching CSPAN with a passion. There is nothing more boring than the inner workings of Washington. Then I watched the West Wing. Regardless of your political affiliation, you have to yearn for a Washington where the politicians are principled and tireless and work on your behalf instead of cowardly and greedy and intent on ripping you off.

2. Breaking Bad. The devolution of one man into a cold-blooded criminal for a very good reason. This show is totally about moral ambiguity and how far one man will go to save his family. If you haven;t seen this show, you need to watch it immediately.

1. The Wire. The. Best. Show. Ever. There is no amount of typing I can do that will convince you of that. But ask anyone who's seen it, and they will agree 1000000000% with fervent belief.

5 Things the New Consoles Need

Since everyone is adding their two sense to what should be included with the new systems, I thought it was time to include what I would like to see. Here are the top 5 innovations that should be included with the new console generation.

5. Holographic Skype support. According to Star Wars, holographs have been supported for decades. So why not allow my Skype conversation to be in fully-rendered, monochromatic holographic wonder? Speaking to someone isn't sufficient anymore. Nor is just a from-the-neck-and-up video chat. I expect both of these systems to be invasive enough to force people to wear pants while playing video games.

4.Augmented Reality. I can't wait to be able to put on some glasses that allow me to play Angry Birds with my eyes, while I'm supposed to be listening to my boss during a staff meeting. Since i wear glasses anyway, my boss would never know! The glasses would have to have eyes painted on the front just to sell the illusion, though.

3.Molecular Re-organizer. Since I spend more time with my consoles, than I do with my girlfriend (sorry, baby!), it's only fair that my consoles learns to cook for me. It can take some random matter, say the dust that amasses on my TV stand, and transform it into my favorite food, say Beef Wellington. Hell, I'll settle for a ham sandwich.

2.Flux Capacitor. At the very least, can I get a hoverboard?!

1.Support for my Japanese sex doll. My girlfriend left me since she read number 3. Luckily, I had my sex doll, Aoki, in the closet hidden behind all my exercise equipment. I minored in Japanese in college, but I still don't understand what the hell she's saying to me. I just want her to make me a ham sandwich! Any console worth it's salt will have some sort of translation. Or maybe just a Fleshlight built right into the console....

Eating my words

I wrote a blog a few months ago concerning how stupid people are for trying to include movement in video games. My aunt, however, recently got me a Kinect, and I have to admit: It may not be as stupid as I thought it was. Before you try to implore to keep an open mind, allow me to explain why I think this idea is not as stupid as I originally thought.
THE KINECT ACTUALLY ALLOWS ME TO BE LAZIER. How, you may be asking yourself, does a motion-sensing peripheral allow you to be lazier, VGG? Aside from the slight inconvenience of having to wave my arm to initiate the start-up sequence, its voice activated! I don't even have to waste the extra 30 calories to push the four buttons on my controller. I support any invention that streamlines my laziness. Now, if only my girlfriend would respond to voice activation. "Girlfriend, beer!" has done nothing but cause fights thus far.

(Disclaimer: I still think it's stupid to have a game based entirely on motion controls. Invariably, you will end up looking like these morons http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4l1TVANMD4)

IN the movies

Video games have come a long way. I was there for the Atari, which was for all intents and purposes, the first commercially successful home console system. I watched the rise and fall of Sega, swore my allegiance to Nintendo, cursed the 3D0, scoffed at Sony, and jumped on the Microsoft bandwagon. I never really appreciated how far games have come until now. I'm currently playing Dead Space 2, and its terrifying. What's most appealing about it, though, is that the the player feels like they are playing a movie. I literally feel like I'm on the set of event Horizon, and Laurence Fishburne is going to call "line!" at any second. I never thought video games would become this advanced. I used to think that capturing real actors portraying video games characters (as seen in Sega CD's Sewer Shark, for example) was the pinnacle of video game achievement. Now, I've witnessed games with true cinematic flow: God of War, Uncharted, and Dead Space are just a few of the franchises that have captured these moments. Its truly inspiring to be IN the movies.

Kevin Butler is a god

Many of you know Kevin Butler from the hilarious Playstation commercials. He is the guy reassuring your girlfriend (if you have one) not to break up with you over God of War, dressing up as coach for encouragment with Modracers, or moving in with a random family to promote Playstation Move. In short, he was my hero. I found myself wishing Kevin butler was moving into my house, and bringing me free shit. Then, he ruined it. Rationally, I realize Sony makes the commercial, and they sell what they want, but I thought Kevin would have more respect for himself then to back the worst idea ever: Playstation Move. Hey, Sony, newsflash! I'm lazy. If I wanted to do something that required movement I would have picked a different hobby. I enjoy the fact that I can kill aliens, collect coins, or destroy the heavens from a comfortably sedentary position. Now your forcing me to move!? My only hope is that Kevin Butler will come to his senses and then to the rescue.

Soap box? Check.

Video games have been testing patience for years. Soon, they will face their biggest test yet: constitutionality. The Supreme Court will hear deliberations about a bill in California that restricts the sale of video games to minors. The bill chooses to ignore the fact that the video game industry self-regulates and has created the Entertainment Software Rating Board (http://www.esrb.org) to monitor exactly this subject.

The bill is vague as it defines terminology that will be critical to the determination of a game's rating, and equally vague about the enforcement strategy. Ultimately, the creator of the game will be responsible for branding their games. All game creators, however, will be reticent to declare their games Adult for fear of the stigma that this rating will attach to it's game. If the publisher chooses not to accurately define their game, and are found to be guilty this could result in huge liabilities for the publisher, the industry, and eventually, the consumer.

In addition to the possible concern for consumers, one must also consider the impact on government. The penalty under the bill is a 1000$ fine, but how will it be collected? Will the government create a new bureau to collect the revenues, and if so, will the revenues be exploited to shore up local, regional, and national government budgets? Also, this bill has far reaching implications for all forms of entertainment, and could be the impetuous for a strangle-hold on creative expression, that limits all forms of media.

I dislike this bill. I think it's stupid. I like my government like I like my women: vacant and incoherent. This bill should be scrapped, and the parents of the children purchasing games should be more actively involved in the process. The ESRB does a great job of regulation, and should continue to operate without government intervention.

For more information, go to videogamevoters.org.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

I miss split-screen action. Is there any sweeter memory than running up on some character in Goldeneye and karate chopping him into oblivion, and talking smack to your friend while you do so? Now, it seems that most games are hesitant to include a split screen multiplayer mode. Why is it I have an easier time playing COD with my brother in Afghanistan, than my sister who's in the same room? When they remake Goldeneye, I hope it will inspire the industry to put more split-screen, or full screen multiplayer options in their games.