Sunday, March 18, 2012
Manual Restart
I haven't been buying many games recently. The reason is immaterial-possibly due to my lack of funds, possibly due to my backlog of games being taller than Shaq. I did, however, get Assassin's Creed, as a gift, and I bought a copy of Mass Effect. My favorite thing to do when I buy a new game-if I cant play it right then-is to read the manual. So imagine my surprise when I ripped the cellophane off my that brand-new, beautiful box, only to discover that the manual was nothing more than a glorified flyer trumpeting the joys of Xbox Live. Where, pray tell, are the pictures? The directions? THE INSTRUCTIONS? I miss that new game smell. I don't like being surprised and figuring things out. I want you to tell me! Tell me what button combination to hit to unlock all the cheat codes! Not only do I have to buy the game, but I have to use the game to learn how to play the game?!?!? Actually, I guess that is not that bad. Well, shit. Nevermind.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I Don't Always Watch TV, But When I Do, It's Awesome.
I decided to take a break from video game blogs (since I do them so often...) and focus on one of my other major hobbies:watching TV. For this blog, call me Evel Knievl for I am going to attempt the impossible: to rank the greatest show of the last decade. Some you will agree with, some you will not. Some are in this decade, some are not (well, at least not entirely). Here they are!
10.Futurama. A show about a pizza delivery boy frozen in time and thawed in the future only to have to deliver shit with a bunch of misfits? Crazy! So crazy it just might work...Awesome voice cast, with stellar characters and hilarious writing revived this show from an all-too-soon cancellation. New episodes are now on Comedy Central, check your local listings for times.
9.Curb your Enthusiasm. Have you ever been around a guy who has no filter and is a social assassin? No? Then meet Larry David. This is the only show on television that can actually make one cringe from the ridiculous situations Larry gets himself into. When you add J.B. Smoove into the equation, egging Larry on, and shit gets real uncomfortable, real quick.
8.Flight of the Conchords. Two dudes playing hilarious music about hilarious topics in a hilarious setting. Added bonus: Kristen Schaal making uncomfortable situations even more awkward.
7.Friday Night Lights. Admit it: you don't really like football. You watch it because you're socially obligated if you're a male, or because you're trying to impress a male if you're a female. Well, this show will make you love football. More importantly, you fall in love with the amazing cast. Kyle Chandler, Connie Brittion, Adrienne Palacki, Minka Kelly, Gauis Charles, and TIM MUTHERFUCKING RIGGINS (aka Taylor Kitsche). Watch the first season with your girlfriend, and yall wont leave the house for about 24 hours.
6. Chappelle Show. The man was worth $50 million dollars to Comedy Central, which is kinda a big deal. He revolutionized sketch comedy. I actually went as Clayton Bigsby for halloween, and it was the best costume I ever had. Except maybe the time I went as Mr. T.
5. Arrested Development. The best sitcom ever to be on the air (Married with Children is a close second), this show also suffered from stupid people syndrome (SAVE COMMUNITY!). If the writing is smart, you can expect a show to be cancelled quickly, and unfortunately, Arrested Development was no different (SAVE COMMUNITY!). The original six seasons and a movie cry(SAVE COMMUNITY!) Pardon my plug, but both shows are similar to me.
4.Southland. This show might be one of the most intense shows on TV. NBC made a terrible decision to cancel this show (stupid people strike again), but luckily TNT picked it up. I consistently watch this show this my butthole puckered, because it is so intense.
3.The West Wing. I'm no politician. Hell, I can't stand politicians. I hate watching CSPAN with a passion. There is nothing more boring than the inner workings of Washington. Then I watched the West Wing. Regardless of your political affiliation, you have to yearn for a Washington where the politicians are principled and tireless and work on your behalf instead of cowardly and greedy and intent on ripping you off.
2. Breaking Bad. The devolution of one man into a cold-blooded criminal for a very good reason. This show is totally about moral ambiguity and how far one man will go to save his family. If you haven;t seen this show, you need to watch it immediately.
1. The Wire. The. Best. Show. Ever. There is no amount of typing I can do that will convince you of that. But ask anyone who's seen it, and they will agree 1000000000% with fervent belief.
10.Futurama. A show about a pizza delivery boy frozen in time and thawed in the future only to have to deliver shit with a bunch of misfits? Crazy! So crazy it just might work...Awesome voice cast, with stellar characters and hilarious writing revived this show from an all-too-soon cancellation. New episodes are now on Comedy Central, check your local listings for times.
9.Curb your Enthusiasm. Have you ever been around a guy who has no filter and is a social assassin? No? Then meet Larry David. This is the only show on television that can actually make one cringe from the ridiculous situations Larry gets himself into. When you add J.B. Smoove into the equation, egging Larry on, and shit gets real uncomfortable, real quick.
8.Flight of the Conchords. Two dudes playing hilarious music about hilarious topics in a hilarious setting. Added bonus: Kristen Schaal making uncomfortable situations even more awkward.
7.Friday Night Lights. Admit it: you don't really like football. You watch it because you're socially obligated if you're a male, or because you're trying to impress a male if you're a female. Well, this show will make you love football. More importantly, you fall in love with the amazing cast. Kyle Chandler, Connie Brittion, Adrienne Palacki, Minka Kelly, Gauis Charles, and TIM MUTHERFUCKING RIGGINS (aka Taylor Kitsche). Watch the first season with your girlfriend, and yall wont leave the house for about 24 hours.
6. Chappelle Show. The man was worth $50 million dollars to Comedy Central, which is kinda a big deal. He revolutionized sketch comedy. I actually went as Clayton Bigsby for halloween, and it was the best costume I ever had. Except maybe the time I went as Mr. T.
5. Arrested Development. The best sitcom ever to be on the air (Married with Children is a close second), this show also suffered from stupid people syndrome (SAVE COMMUNITY!). If the writing is smart, you can expect a show to be cancelled quickly, and unfortunately, Arrested Development was no different (SAVE COMMUNITY!). The original six seasons and a movie cry(SAVE COMMUNITY!) Pardon my plug, but both shows are similar to me.
4.Southland. This show might be one of the most intense shows on TV. NBC made a terrible decision to cancel this show (stupid people strike again), but luckily TNT picked it up. I consistently watch this show this my butthole puckered, because it is so intense.
3.The West Wing. I'm no politician. Hell, I can't stand politicians. I hate watching CSPAN with a passion. There is nothing more boring than the inner workings of Washington. Then I watched the West Wing. Regardless of your political affiliation, you have to yearn for a Washington where the politicians are principled and tireless and work on your behalf instead of cowardly and greedy and intent on ripping you off.
2. Breaking Bad. The devolution of one man into a cold-blooded criminal for a very good reason. This show is totally about moral ambiguity and how far one man will go to save his family. If you haven;t seen this show, you need to watch it immediately.
1. The Wire. The. Best. Show. Ever. There is no amount of typing I can do that will convince you of that. But ask anyone who's seen it, and they will agree 1000000000% with fervent belief.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
5 Things the New Consoles Need
Since everyone is adding their two sense to what should be included with the new systems, I thought it was time to include what I would like to see. Here are the top 5 innovations that should be included with the new console generation.
5. Holographic Skype support. According to Star Wars, holographs have been supported for decades. So why not allow my Skype conversation to be in fully-rendered, monochromatic holographic wonder? Speaking to someone isn't sufficient anymore. Nor is just a from-the-neck-and-up video chat. I expect both of these systems to be invasive enough to force people to wear pants while playing video games.
4.Augmented Reality. I can't wait to be able to put on some glasses that allow me to play Angry Birds with my eyes, while I'm supposed to be listening to my boss during a staff meeting. Since i wear glasses anyway, my boss would never know! The glasses would have to have eyes painted on the front just to sell the illusion, though.
3.Molecular Re-organizer. Since I spend more time with my consoles, than I do with my girlfriend (sorry, baby!), it's only fair that my consoles learns to cook for me. It can take some random matter, say the dust that amasses on my TV stand, and transform it into my favorite food, say Beef Wellington. Hell, I'll settle for a ham sandwich.
2.Flux Capacitor. At the very least, can I get a hoverboard?!
1.Support for my Japanese sex doll. My girlfriend left me since she read number 3. Luckily, I had my sex doll, Aoki, in the closet hidden behind all my exercise equipment. I minored in Japanese in college, but I still don't understand what the hell she's saying to me. I just want her to make me a ham sandwich! Any console worth it's salt will have some sort of translation. Or maybe just a Fleshlight built right into the console....
5. Holographic Skype support. According to Star Wars, holographs have been supported for decades. So why not allow my Skype conversation to be in fully-rendered, monochromatic holographic wonder? Speaking to someone isn't sufficient anymore. Nor is just a from-the-neck-and-up video chat. I expect both of these systems to be invasive enough to force people to wear pants while playing video games.
4.Augmented Reality. I can't wait to be able to put on some glasses that allow me to play Angry Birds with my eyes, while I'm supposed to be listening to my boss during a staff meeting. Since i wear glasses anyway, my boss would never know! The glasses would have to have eyes painted on the front just to sell the illusion, though.
3.Molecular Re-organizer. Since I spend more time with my consoles, than I do with my girlfriend (sorry, baby!), it's only fair that my consoles learns to cook for me. It can take some random matter, say the dust that amasses on my TV stand, and transform it into my favorite food, say Beef Wellington. Hell, I'll settle for a ham sandwich.
2.Flux Capacitor. At the very least, can I get a hoverboard?!
1.Support for my Japanese sex doll. My girlfriend left me since she read number 3. Luckily, I had my sex doll, Aoki, in the closet hidden behind all my exercise equipment. I minored in Japanese in college, but I still don't understand what the hell she's saying to me. I just want her to make me a ham sandwich! Any console worth it's salt will have some sort of translation. Or maybe just a Fleshlight built right into the console....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
